Funny Quotes

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

-Oliver Herford

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

-Elbert Hubbard

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

-Margaret Mead

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

-Alice Roosevelt Longworth

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

-W. H. Auden

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

-Ron White

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

-Mark Twain

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

-Isaac Asimov

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

-Douglas Adams

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

-Robin Williams

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

-Bob Monkhouse

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

-Elayne Boosler

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

-Oscar Wilde

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

-Mark Russell

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

-Robert Bloch

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

-Steve Martin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

-Lana Turner

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

-Anonymous

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

-Dave Barry

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

-Anonymous

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-Miles Kington

Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?

-Anonymous

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

-Socrates

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

-Emo Philips

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

-Anonymous

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-Greg King

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

-Al McGuire

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-Billy Sunday

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

-Anonymous

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

-Franklin Jones

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

-Henny Youngman

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

-Dave Barry

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

-Wilson Mizner

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

-Flip Wilson

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

-Anonymous

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

-Jack Nicholson

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

-Ethel Mumford

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

-Claude Pepper

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

-Oscar Wilde

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.

-Bill Mcglashen

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

-Steven Wright

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

-Anonymous

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

-Steven Wright

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

-Caskie Stinnett

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-Anonymous

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

-Charles Wadsworth

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

-Robert Wilensky

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

-Anonymous

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

-Milton Berle

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

-Anonymous

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

-Marilyn Monroe

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

-Norm Crosby

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

-Anonymous

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

-Robert Frost

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

-Anonymous

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

-Ronald Reagan

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

-Anonymous

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

-Franklin P. Jones

If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.

-Anonymous

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

-John Wilmot (EARL OF ROCHESTER)

A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.

-T. H. Thompson

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

-Anonymous

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.

-George Miller

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.

-Sam Levenson

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.

-Photograph of Rod Stewart

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

-Bob Hope

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

-Ronald Reagan

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

-Ben Bergor

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

-Anonymous

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes–and six months later you have to start all over again.

-Joan Rivers

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

-Bill Vaughan

Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

-Anonymous

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

-Wendy Liebman

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

-erry Seinfeld

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.

-George Burns

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

-Agatha Christie

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

-Anonymous

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

-Phyllis Diller

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

-Rodney Dangerfield

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.

-Will Rogers

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

-George Burns

The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

-Evan Esar

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.

-Anonymous

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

-José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

-George Jessel

Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

-David Brenner

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

-Erma Bombeck

When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers.

-Polish Proverb

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

-Doug Larson

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

-Rodney Dangerfield

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

-Jerome K. Jerome

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

-Mark Twain

The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.

-Dorothy Parker

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.

-Bob Hope

If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.

-Muhammad Ali

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

-Bob Thaves

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.

-Ogden Nash

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

-Jerry Seinfeld

Keep the dream alive; hit the snooze button!

-Anonymous

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up.

-Rodney Dangerfield

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

-Harry S. Truman

At every party, there are two kinds of people–those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

-Ann Landers

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

-Patrick Murray

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

-Anonymous

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

-Rita Rudner

Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.

-Albert Einstein

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

-Caroline Rhea

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

-Charles Lamb

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